understanding ‘parent speak’

Given that last Sunday was Mother’s Day and Father’s Day is not far around the corner, it seems appropriate to offer these definitions used by experienced parents:

amnesia: condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have kids again.

defense: what you’d better have around the yard if you’re going to let the children play outside.

drooling: how teething babies wash their chins.

feedback: the inevitable result when a baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.

full name: what you call your child when you’re mad at him.

grandparents: the people who think your children are perfect even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.

hearsay: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a bad word.

independent: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

look out!: what it’s too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.

owww!: the first word spoken by children with older siblings.

prenatal: when your life was still somewhat your own.

puddle: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes.

show off: a child who is more talented than yours.

sterilize: what you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it.

storeroom: the distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can’t quite reach anything. temper tantrums: what you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

top bunk: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

two minute warning: when the baby’s face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

whoops: an exclamation that translates roughly into “get a mop.”