Given that last Sunday was Mother’s Day and Father’s Day is not far around the corner, it seems appropriate to offer these definitions used by experienced parents:
amnesia: condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have kids again.
defense: what you’d better have around the yard if you’re going to let the children play outside.
drooling: how teething babies wash their chins.
full name: what you call your child when you’re mad at him.
grandparents: the people who think your children are perfect even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.
hearsay: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a bad word.
independent: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
look out!: what it’s too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.
owww!: the first word spoken by children with older siblings.
prenatal: when your life was still somewhat your own.
puddle: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes.
show off: a child who is more talented than yours.
sterilize: what you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it.
storeroom: the distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can’t quite reach anything. temper tantrums: what you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.
top bunk: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
two minute warning: when the baby’s face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
whoops: an exclamation that translates roughly into “get a mop.”