During this holiday season, my heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me numerous, large file size email “forwards” over the past twelve months. Thank you for making me feel healthy, safe and blessed.
Extra thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes ’cause I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope.
Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are all clearly atheists who refuse to put “Under God” on their cans.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
I no longer eat KFC because their “chickens” are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I now happily grow my own food, make my own clothes, and craft all of my household and personal items since I now feel compelled to boycott virtually every major business in America due to their wishing me a “Happy Holiday Season” rather than a “Merry Christmas.”
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it obviously causes cancer.
To specifically reduce my chances of lung cancer I no longer heat or air condition my house, but leave all my windows open year round due to the fact the air pollution in my house is said to be greater than the air quality outdoors. Of course, this has saved me greatly in terms of utility bills, but the savings was eaten up by my constant need to dust, vacum and wash everything.
I no longer have any money at all – but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special email tracking program.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day because they too could give me cancer.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer have any sneakers — but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).
I no longer worry about my soul because at last count I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.
And also along of spiritual enlightenment, thank you for making me aware that God only answers my prayers if I forward a particular e-mail to seven of my friends and pray within five minutes of pressing “Send.”
Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favor!
If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next seven minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of the runs will land on your head at 5:05 PM (CDT) this Friday. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next-door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s hair dresser . . .
Oh, and a Merry New HanuKwanzamas to you, too!